Man Fever
by 5MinMeister
Summary: What happens when Bookman decides to act on his hidden feelings? With such tough competion, he must do everything it takes to take over his true love's heart! After all, when all else fails, love will save the day! Rated M for Bookman going WAY out of character.
1. Chapter 1

DISCLAIMER: I do not own D Gray Man. It belongs to the rightful owner, Katsura Hoshino.

Author's note: Hi everyone; this is my first fanfiction ever. First of all, I want to engrave this into everyone's head: BOOKMAN IS WAY OUT OF CHARACTER (LOL) so I am definately not smoking/snorting/drinking anything of the sort (LMAO)...well that's all I have to say I hope you get a good laugh because I did when I was writing it (LOL)..c:

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It was a relaxing summer day, and Bookman was writing in an old history book when Lavi approached him.

"What are you doing, Panda?" he inquired.

"O-Oh! J-Just recording s-some history."

"Can I see?" asked Lavi, "Maybe I can help you out!"

"NO!" Bookman retorted, trying as discreetly as possible to hide his book from Lavi.

"Well, see ya then, Old Panda!" Lavi said and went off to play with his friends.

"(Phew...that was a close one..)" Bookman thought. "(Now... where was I...?)"

_Dear Diary,_

_Is this love? Or is it just a foolish desire? All I can think about is his hot flesh and blood. I want him inside of me... I want to feel every single microscopic fiber of his being. I want to be him. I want him to be me. I want us to become one—one united entity. His delicious pink lips; his juicy white thighs; I just can't stand it! I need you! LAAAAAAAAVVVVVVVIIIIIIIIII!_

_Dear Diary,_

_I've just been kidnapped by none other than...the Millennium Earl!_

"_Tell me where they are! Where are those blasted exorcists?" He demanded. Something in me broke. I could never let that filthy scumbag touch my man. I couldn't control myself. I attacked him with every needle hidden on my fingers and even my toes, and... I did it! I actually defeated the Earl! Who knew it was that easy? I guess it's true...when all else fails, love will save the day!_


	2. Chapter 2

DISCLAIMER: I do not own D Gray Man. Everything belongs to its rightful owner, Katsura Hoshino.

Author's note: Okay hi guys! Here's chapter two... all I want to say is I'm sorry that these chapters are so small (well they're really small to me LOL...) So small..compared to all the other fanfics out there...

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"Hey, Bookman!" said Allen Walker. "Recording some history, I see. Mind if I join you?"

"N-no. This is a job only for experienced Bookmen, such as myself," Bookman replied.

"Okay then," said Allen as he walked away.

"(Pesky kids!)" Bookman thought. "(Gotta learn to mind their own business!)"

_Dear Diary,_

_I never noticed before how Allen's buttocks jiggle when he walks. It totally turns me on! Who cares about Lavi? Allen's young and fresh and OH MY BOOK... he's still a virgin! I must eliminate all other competition... starting with... KANDA! Be prepared, boy... because you're going down!_

**BOOKMAN'S WANTED LIST**

**(ALLEN'S MINE, YOU FREELOADERS!)**

**Yu Kanda**

**Lavi (I'm on to you, Brat!)**

**Lenalee Lee**

**Cross Marian**

**Komui Lee (just in case)**

**Road Kamelot**

**Millennium Earl DEAD! HA!**

**Tyki Mikk**

**Jerry (the only man who can have Walker is ME!)**

**Arystar Krory**

**Timcanpy**

**Howard Link (How dare you try to get close to my man!)**

**Malcolm C. Rouvelier (I'm watching you, punk!)**

**Noise Marie (How dare you steal my hairstyle!)**

"Hey Bookman, come quick! You're needed on a mission!" yelled Komui.

"What's happening?" Bookman asked, detecting the urgency in Komui's voice.

"We've just spotted the Millennium Earl! I'd like you to go with Allen and Lavi to slow his movements!"

"M-M-M-M-Millennium Earl (I thought I killed him!)!" Bookman stammered, feeling his mouth getting dry.

"Is something the matter, Bookman?" Komui asked.

"No... It's fine. Let's go!" Bookman said hurriedly and rushed off to his mission.

_Dear Diary,_

_The Earl kicked my butt again! I feel so weak and useless! I don't deserve a man like Allen! I'm probably just scum under his toes... but I must keep trying! I must win Allen Walker for myself! Now, where did I put that can of muscle milk?_


	3. Chapter 3

DISCLAIMER: I do not own D Gray Man. It belongs to the rightful owner, Katsura Hoshino.

Author's note: I don't have much to say... Enjoy! Have a good laugh. Hee hee. c:

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_Dear Diary,_

_I decided to ambush Kanda today! Hahaha! He didn't even know what was coming! He was just sitting there meditating, and I attacked him with my needles! But wait—he blocked all of them! And he called me an amateur! I knew I had to play my trump card: HEAVEN COMPASS!_

"What is the meaning of this?" asked Kanda.

"You know exactly what's going on! I must eliminate you from the competition!" Bookman snarled, retracting his needles.

"What competition?" Kanda demanded.

"Your mind tricks won't work on me! You're going down! HEAVEN COMPASS!" Bookman knew this was no easy victory, but he couldn't let Kanda have his man! Bookman knew he had to fight with his all!

"Are you crazy old man?" Kanda stood up, immediately on his guard.

"HEAVEN COMPASS!" Bookman hit Kanda with everything he had, scattering dust all over the meditation room. But...when the dust cleared, Kanda emerged without a scratch.

"THAT'S IT!" Kanda raged. "YOU'RE GOING DOWN!" Bookman didn't even see it coming, but he was defeated in one blow! And Kanda walked away saying, "Next time you won't be so lucky!"

_Dear Diary,_

_I must find an easier target! I think I'll go for Krory today! There's his room! But wait! When I came in I saw him half-naked in his Valentine's boxers... WITH MY MAN!_

"Hey, Bookman! Wanna play some poker?" Krory asked.

"NO! I'm here to eliminate you from the competition!" Bookman yelled so loudly that his voice echoed throughout the whole Order.

"Whaaat? I don't know anything about this 'competition'!" Krory said looking like he was about to cry.

"Don't play dumb! HEAVEN COMPASS!" Bookman was about to hit him... but... Allen blocked his attack!

"What are you doing, Bookman? If you're just here to do that, then please leave." Allen said.

"How DARE you betray me!" Bookman shouted and ran out the door.


	4. Chapter 4

DISCLAIMER: I do not own D Gray Man.. it belongs to the one and only Katsura Hoshino !

Author's Note: I don't know if it's just me but wow are these chapters short! I can't let it get to the best of me though... You know what they say! Quality over quantity...heehee.

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_Dear Diary,_

_Krory's boxers are so hot, and so is his bod! Who cares about those boys; I've always loved men even more! Now, how do I get my way into Kro's heart? Hm... I need a wig, some makeup, and platform shoes! Now I need someone to put this makeup on for me... Komui!_

"Supervisor." Bookman called, knocking on Komui's door.

"Yes? What is it, Bookman?" Komui answered.

"I need you to build a cleaning Komurin."

"Why is that?"

"Because...my apprentice is a mess, and I have to clean up after him!"

"Oh...how considerate! I'd be happy to help you! I'll get to work right away!" Komui said and disappeared into the lab.

"I'll stay here until it's done!"

**-24 HOURS LATER-**

"It's dooooone! I present to you... the KOMURIN 5!" Komui bursted through the door, his prized possession following close behind.

"Thank you! I've been waiting for it all day! Let me take that off your hands..." Bookman said.

"Wait! You can't use it without my supervision! Who knows what might happen?" Komui said, recalling all the times Kanda destroyed his precious Komurins.

"Don't worry; I'll make sure to keep it safe for you!" Bookman said. Just then, Johnny walked by and spilled his coffee all over it! The Komurin 5 went on a crazy cleaning rampage!

"Must clean. Confirming target. Pursuing target." It said while approaching Bookman. He didn't resist at all. It was almost like magic; Bookman's wrinkles were gone! Instead, his face was as smooth as a baby's buttocks, his eyes brought out by mascara, and his lips as full as plump red tomatoes!

"(It's perfect! I look just like Eliade!)" Bookman thought while admiring his reflection in the Komurin's mirror.

"Oh no, let me clean that up for you!" Komui said.

"N-No! I'll do it myself!" Bookman backed away.

"Are you sure, Bookman? You've sure been acting strange lately."

"Me? Strange? I just have a lot of history to record!" Bookman retorted, clearing his throat. I appreciate your help, Supervisor!" were his final words before he ran out the door.

_Dear Diary,_

_ My transformation is complete! I'm sure to woo my man now! But wait! I should get him a present to show my unwavering affection! Oh...but what could it be? Maybe flowers? Or wait—even better—a new book! Or the best gift of all—a nice...juicy...delectable...rotisserie chicken! And I know just the place to get it—Jerry!_


	5. Chapter 5

DISCLAIMER: I do not own D Gray Man ! D Gray Man belongs to Katsura Hoshino !

Author's Note: Hi guys! Enjoy...xD

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_Dear Diary,_

_ Kro rejected my gift! He says he doesn't like chicken, and that I'm too wrinkly to be Eliade! And the worse part is... he wouldn't even let me touch his boxers no matter how much I begged! He activated his innocence and attacked me, just like Kanda! I didn't even see it coming! Waaaaaah! First Lavi, then Allen, now I lost Kro too! I need to find myself a new man!_

_Dear Diary,_

_ I thought it was attractive and manly the way Kanda beat me up! I should do something to show him I care! He's out on a mission; maybe I could clean his room (and maybe get a chance to see what kind of underwear he uses...)! I calmly stepped into his room. At first, all I saw was a bed. Hmm... I wonder how Kanda's sheets smell. I couldn't resist! I carefully shut the door behind me in case any of those brats were there, and then I stuck my face in his pillow and took a long, hard sniff. It smells just like flowers! It felt like a dream! Then I turned my head and saw a pretty flower in an hourglass, but it was all wilted! I know what would make Kanda happy! I should get him a NEW flower! I'll go pick one right now!_

A fresh spring breeze was blowing near the outskirts of the Order. The birds were chirping, and the sun was smiling down on a busy Bookman as he happily searched for a lotus to present to his man.

"(Maybe this one. Or this one! I must pick the best one!)" Bookman thought as he picked through the full-bloomed lotuses. His basket was filling quickly with the vessels of love that he'd chosen, throwing out the ones that were unworthy of Kanda.

As he lost himself in his daydreams of drowning in Kanda's sweet-smelling sheets, he heard a low growl coming in his direction. Suddenly, a bear stepped out from the shadows and started chasing Bookman.

"You think you can take me down?" Bookman shouted, making the bear even angrier. "HEAVEN COMPASS!" Bookman pinned the bear down with his needles and ran to the safety of the Order.

_Dear Diary,_

_ I replaced the lotus in Kanda's hourglass with a brand new one, and it looks as good as new! I'll just throw this old one out! Oh! Here comes Kanda from his mission! I can't wait until he sees it!_

"Kanda, are you okay?" Komui said. Kanda was coughing up blood and throbbing in pain. Komui took him to the infirmary, and on their way there, Komui spotted some lotus petals flying through the air. Kanda's eyes filled with horror as he looked up and saw them too.

"(No, it can't be...)" Komui thinks "(Is that..?)" Kanda coughs up blood everywhere.

"(This isn't good...)" Komui thought. Bookman walked by and saw Kanda dying. Suddenly, Bookman became stricken with panic.

"Komui, I'll help you carry Kanda to the infirmary." Bookman said, enjoying every moment spent carrying Kanda's slender body.

"(I can't wait to smell my fingers!)" Bookman thought the whole way there. Once they got to the infirmary, Bookman asked Komui what was wrong.

"Something seems to have happened to Kanda's lotus." Komui explained. "Without it, Kanda only has a short time to live."

"Oh, I see. I'm very sorry." Bookman said and walks out of the infirmary as quickly as possible.


	6. Chapter 6

DISCLAIMER: I do not own D Gray Man. It aaallllllllll belongs to Katsura Hoshino.

Author's note: Hello guys! I decided to post a chapter today on this special occasion...HAPPY BIRTHDAY BOOKMAN ! 8/5 ! May there be lots of pudding with you to celebrate *-*...

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_Dear Diary,_

_ Oh no, what have I done! Kanda's dying all because I replaced his lotus! If only I'd known...! Now he'll never let me touch his body or smell his sheets again! I have to do something, or the Order will kill me! No one can find out about this! I just remembered—I still have the Komurin in my room! Using my quick thinking, I ripped off its vacuum cleaner, and started gathering up all the flower petals! When the vacuum was almost full, I dumped it out and collected all the petals together. Now all I have to do is stuff them back in the hourglass without anyone taking notice!_

_Dear Diary,_

_ I threw out that nasty flower I picked earlier and tried to stuff the old petals back inside! I think it might actually work! I rushed as calmly as I could to the infirmary, but Kanda wasn't getting any better! In fact, he looks worse than before! If I didn't know any better, I'd think he was already dead! Even my skillful acupuncture couldn't save him now! I should just give up on him! In the state he's in, Kanda is no longer fit to be my man. Speaking of which, he was always mean to me anyway! Oh well, it was nice knowing him! I think I'll go back to hunting Allen!_

**BOOKMAN'S WANTED LIST**

**(Updated)**

**Yu Kanda (MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!)**

**Lavi (I'm on to you, Brat!)**

**Lenalee Lee**

**Cross Marian**

**Komui Lee (just in case)**

**Road Kamelot**

**Millennium Earl (CURSE YOU!)**

**Tyki Mikk**

**Jerry (the only man who can have Walker is ME!)**

**Arystar Krory**

**Howard Link (How dare you try to get close to my man!)**

**Malcolm C. Rouvelier (I'm watching you, punk!)**

**Noise Marie (How dare you steal my hairstyle!)**


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer: I don't own D Gray Man...It's all yours Hoshino :D!

Author's Note: Hai..:3 I haven't updated in a while so uh..I'm sorry about that (If anyone is even reading this weirdness LMFAO) Well if you are reading it...feel free to tell me what I can do to improve it..xD LOL. So..uhm...happy reading! I guess? xD LOL

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_Dear Diary,_

_ I had the most wonderful dream last night! The Millennium Earl stole my precious hair! But then, Allen used his innocence to save it! Then he put it back on my head and said, "Be more careful, Bookman." My whole body tingled at his touch! It was the greatest dream ever! That settles it! I need Allen Walker to be MY man!_

_The next morning, my precious hair really was gone! I was in a panic! My hair! Oh my BOOK! My hair is gone! But nobody cares! All they care about is dumb Kanda's death! As a bookman, I have no reason to care. He's just a waste of breathing space compared to my man! Now, who should my next target be? Someone I can easily eliminate like...Cross! Allen doesn't like him anyway, so he'll be delighted to see him dead!_

_Dear Diary,_

_ Today was Kanda's funeral. Everyone was really sad, but I don't see what all the commotion was about. It's not like he cared about anyone in this grubby Order anyway, so why should anybody care about his 'unfortunate' death? And I still can't find my hair..._

"Hey Panda, are you ready for Kanda's funeral yet?" Lavi asked, his usually cheerful demeanor replaced with solemnity.  
"Uh... o-oh...yes..." Bookman stammered. "I could never turn my back on such an important event."

On their way to the funeral area, Bookman heard a faint crying.  
"Huh, what was that?" Lavi asked, turning his head in the direction of the sound.  
"You go ahead; I'll check it out (and maybe get a chance to look for my hair)." Bookman said.

"Okay." Lavi agreed, and they headed off into opposite directions.

_Dear Diary,_

_ I was heading towards the sound when I ran into Allen, and he was crying! This was my chance to take advantage of his weakness and finally make him mine! I walked towards him as calmly as possible, but just when I was about to approach, Komui came between us! I was startled, so I attacked him and I accidentally killed him! Allen looked at me in shock! I knew I had to do something quick, or he'd tell the whole Order! I waited until he was off guard, wiping his nose, and then I pinned him down with my needles! And then, once he was on the ground, I attacked him with everything I had! No mercy! He never even got a chance to speak! And then, before I knew it, he was dead! Just like Komui! Using my quick thinking, I hurriedly threw them inside a nearby plant pot! Nobody will ever know!_


End file.
